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JUNKIE JOURNALS

Goodbye to the love of my life

This blog is my letter of farewell to Cocaine, my drug of choice and a love affair that lasted for years. Its an honest letter written by myself in rehab.

When giving up drugs or any addiction, especially after a sustained period of time, to suddenly let go means that you lose something, almost like a bereavement, and with that said there is a grieving process that you must go through to ultimately get to the point of acceptance.

I first tried this in treatment last year and the letter I wrote had plenty of anger and bargaining but the reality was filled mainly with denial, these are 3 of the 5 stages of grieving.

The other 2, depression and acceptance I believe are delivered in this version.

Part 2, The final farewell;


 

To the only person I ever thought understood me, to you, cocaine, my ‘Mrs Dependable’, ‘Mrs Reliable’, my mood stabiliser and ultimately my game changer.

I don’t know where to begin? This is the 2nd time I’ve tried to say good bye in a letter, last year it seemed easy,  it flowed, I was angry, pissed off and dismissive and I was pleased to see the back of you, or maybe I wasn’t and maybe that’s why i’m back here for round 2.

Somehow this time it’s different.

The thought of never having any type of relationship with you you ever again makes me feel scared, nervous, anxious and sad, ironically all the feelings that I never felt last time round, and all the uncomfortable feelings I’ve used you to numb over the years. Perhaps I was in denial and not ready to let go.

I can think back to the days when things were perfect, we were happy, euphoric times, an instant mind altering experience but the reality is it hasn’t been like this for a long time, yet I still haven’t been able to live without you. I’ve used you for the good the bad and the ugly and boy has it been ugly.

As I write this I continue to have a dull ache deep in the pit of my stomach simply at the thought of not being able to cope without you. Can I handle what life throws at me? Can I exist and just learn to be happy and just learn to be? I know I can and I know have to but more importantly I know I want to, but that doesn’t mean that it sits easy with me.

I usually find it so easy to articulate a point but writing this is making me feel disorientated, restless, my hands clammy and completely uneasy.

You have been my outlet for anger, my coping mechanism for handling my pain and the only thing that I have been truly intimate with for the past few years with the sad irony that you have made me lose intimacy with others in my life. My wife, my friends, family and my beautiful baby daughter, yet no matter how ugly a monster you have become I’ve chosen you time and time again, but not a 1000 days with you compares to one day with my beautiful daughter, my princess, yet some how I find a way, you find a way, we find a way to be together, no matter what. 

Yes I have had some bad cards dealt to me over the years, I lost my Mum and Dad to lung cancer and you became my way of dealing with it, now the feeling of bereavement sits similarly in saying goodbye to you, that dull ache knowing that someone is gone, that you’ll never have that bond or connection together again, a sense of sadness, depression and emptiness, I know that sounds sick comparing it to the death of human life but I guess you dying is better than me dying for you, like I have seen others around fall foul to your games.

tears of blood.jpg

I have to move on from you now, you are a part of my life that is no longer alive, like many people that I have met and loved, no longer with us, but you don’t deserve to be a part of my life anymore, you are also a cancer that has nearly ruined my life, luckily there is time for you to be cut out, and cut out for good.

I gave you my life and i’m taking it back, before I felt powerless to do so but now I have the strength and belief to do it. Under no circumstances can we be together at all. We can never meet again. Never.

Like any relationships I can look back at the happy times but for too long you have been the centre of all my sadness and we have been nothing more than a square peg in a round hole.

I always looked in the mirror with shame and guilt, generally looking down and being reminded of you. Cocaine. Having to turn away in disgust yet now the fog has lifted I am able to look myself in the mirror and say “I am a great person, a good father, i’m ambitious and talented and there is an exciting world out there called life” This is the life that you convinced me that I couldn’t have. 

freedom

I will no longer put you before my daughter, I love her and not you, I treasure her and not you, I love who I am and hate who you made me become, I will be happy.

Without you!!

You are the end of a chapter, 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life,

Without you.

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